Hand In Hand（Part 2）
手牽手
／By Angel Teng（Sister）


編按：本文中文版手牽手曾刊登於225期基礎小品，
為南非鄧凱倢所寫紀念弟弟之文章。

（Continuation）

Even though I am the eldest sister but Danny never liked me to think of him as an immature younger brother. He would always like to protect me in his manly way. If he knows about my love problem, he would say to me, “ Hey sis, if he mistreat you in any way, I will take him up directly!” I never took him serious and would simply laugh and say to him, “ Ya..ya.. I know…you have got black belt in Judo.” Actually I always felt very fortunate to have such brother, he is so sweet to me but I have never told him this before. Now, if I met someone new, I don’t have the courage to say that I actually have a brother but had passed away. Because the lost of Danny, is the biggest pain that is in my heart. Instead of telling them the truth, I would say to them I am the only child in the family. I remember saying to my mom once jokingly after fighting with Danny, “Why did you have to give birth to Danny? I would be enough for the family. Look now, he fights with me all the time.” Danny talks back wittily, “That’s because mommy is smart, she knows I am too sweet! If she didn’t give birth to me, it would be the biggest mistake she would ever make…Ha...Ha!” I never thought so many years later, I have really become the only child in the family but I am not happy about at all. I wish I never said those words…if I didn’t say that…maybe Danny would not have left us.
When Danny has first gone, what I regret the most was I didn’t phoned him as much as I had actually wanted to. I didn’t spend enough time to be with him and show him that I really cared. I usually phone my family regularly every weekend but I never talk too much with Danny. I have always wanted to speak to my mom more. What I thought was, Danny and I had the rest of our lives to speak any time we want to, plus he was planning to work in Taiwan soon after his graduation. So I thought, there was no rush we would have plenty of time later. But I was so wrong…truly wrong about it! He had left in such shock, I really felt that I miss out on so many things…so many things.

I really want to know what was his New Year wish that year? What kind of plan he had that year? On the day of accident what kind of mood was he in? Did he have a lot of fun with his friends at the lake that day? Did he know that even though his sister didn’t speak to him too often but she truly cares for him? There are so many questions that I had wanted to ask him.

Whenever I think of Danny now, I think of time when I return to my home in South Africa. He would drive me everywhere, we would go to the cinema, have great meal at the lovely restaurant, do a lot of shopping, chatting on my bed…etc. We would talk about friends, love, family and future…we talk about all kinds of thing. Danny had a lot of plans for his future and he had many expectations too. He wanted things to be better for his family and friends. He and I are both Libras, we all love children; we had even made an agreement that we would all have many children one day, so that our family would be full of people. Danny has always likes to spoil his girlfriend; he had said to me once when he got married one day, he will take his wife on holiday as much as they can. He would then ask me to look after their children. But now, seeing at how hurt my mom is by loosing Danny, I can’t imagine myself to have baby in future because I don’t think I am able to take that kind of pain if anything like that happens to me!

Although Danny and I talk just about everything but Danny would still avoid discussing his deepest secrets, Danny actually has a much more sensitive heart than average boys. I can’t even compare to his level of sensitivity. This attribute has made him tends to think a lot more than others, and he would only shows his happiness in front of others but keep the unhappiness to himself. I was unable to reach into the secret area, as he is like that to me too.

When we both live together in South Africa, our favorite family activity on weekend was to watch Video throughout the night with my mom. If we got tired, we would each lay on a sofa couch and sleep. Once we are awake we would discuss about the plot and continue watching. Danny likes to make fun of me when he gets the opportunity. Whenever he comes into my room, he would mess up my bed on purpose to annoy me. I would be so made and scream out,“ MOMMY,look what Danny is doing!!” Then Danny would leave my room with smile on his face.

To me, up until today I still feel that Danny is only on a long journey that he is just not easily reached. Deep inside my heart, I still have this slightest hope that he would walk through the door someday and speak in that ever-familiar tone, “Hey sis I am home…” I know this is something impossible but I can’t stop it replying in my head.

The first year when Danny passed away, I was trapped in grief helplessly. But the second year, I don’t cry anymore. There was a stage I blame myself been so cold hearted, how could I forget the pain of loosing my brother so quickly. Later I discovered, the thoughts for Danny has never gone, it had actually grown stronger with days goes by. I have only hide those thoughts very very deep inside my heart. It is now the third year since the accident had happened. Whenever I think of Danny now, the thoughts would still turns to endless tears. This feeling of missing a love one, can only be understood by someone that has lost someone dear to their hearts.

At the beginning, I had regret so much on missing out on participating in Danny’s life. But now through editing this book for Danny, I was able to re-live Danny’s life through all writing pieces from Danny’s friends and everyone that had loved him dearly. I was able to learn the kind of role Danny plays in their life; this was truly an extraordinary opportunity. Through their words and sentences, I was able to experience how they have met Danny, how they got along together and the memorable time that they have spent. I just want to say to you Danny, “ Sis is really proud of you! Because you had really treated everyone with your true heart, you have touched each one of us with your soul. Your love will be heart with us forever!”

People say that God has plans for everything that happens to us. I think, us been brother and sister, was God’s will to let me experience the feeling of being a sister, to learn how to love and being loved by a dear brother. I was looking through some old photos the other day. I found this photo of us when we were still kiddies, you and I were walking hand in hand…it was a sweet memorable time! Thank you Danny, because of you I was able to understand the true meaning of love!

Time is unable to take away the pain of loosing you. Mom, Dad and I who loves you dearly will continue to learn every day to elevate that pain into stronger power. We have used our first half of life to love you; we would then need the other half of lifetime to think of you. We only wish, each single word today are delivered right into your heart in heaven. All we want to tell you is that, even though time has passed but we have not forgotten you. In fact, we have missed you even more. We strongly believe you have already turned in to an angel, protecting and being with us all the time!
Missing you, Angel (Sis)