Hand In Hand(part 1) ／By Angel Teng
手牽手

編按：本文中文版手牽手曾刊登於225期基礎小品，
為南非鄧凱倢所寫紀念弟弟之文章。

I will always remember the morning on January 9th 2004, it was few days after the Chinese New Year in Taiwan, and the weather was cold and cloudy. I woke up as usual that morning, to get ready for work, right at that moment the telephone started ringing. I picked up the phone and it was my mom calling from South Africa. Her voice was surprising low, I had a bad feeling (as it was midnight in South Africa). Her first sentence was, “Angel…Danny is missing…” “ Missing? What do you mean?” First I thought maybe my brother had a fight with my parents and had walked off. “ Danny went out with his friends yesterday…and had an accident…we have been looking for him but still can’t find him…” What was going on? How could this be happening? How could Danny just disappear from no way? I was so shocked and confused, but I had to comfort my mom first and promise her I will fly back home very soon. I then rushed to work to apply for immediate leave, and book myself on the very next flight back to South Africa.

That whole day, I was in a complete shock about this dramatic news. It was so hard for me to believe something like this is happening to my family! My friends and family in Taiwan had all comforted me that miracle will happen to change the situation around. On my way back to South Africa, I keep on telling myself the same…Danny...my dear brother will be fine. I had prayed to Chi-Kung Buddha and to God for their mercy, I have begged them to let us find Danny soon…please!!

When I arrive at the lake, where the accident took place, my parents were in such week and numb status. My mom and dad had said to me with last hope, “ Go to the lakeside quickly, call for your brother and tell him you are back…go on …” I couldn’t hold the fear any longer, rushed over to the lakeside and screamed out loud, “Danny, it’s me sis (Sister)…I am back…sis is back now…can you hear me? Please don’t scare us like this Danny…where are you? We are so worried! Please…let us find you!”

The miracle that we were hoping for had happened 30min. after my calling at the lakeside. Finally, Danny was found but the world had changed complete too! According to Chinese custom, I was suppose to identify my brother’s body, but my parents were worried that I was not able to handle it, so they didn’t let me do so. I sat with my mom 50meters away from the lakeside. I was crying with her and overlooking how rescue team moves my brother’s body into the ambulance. At that moment, it felt like we were part of a TV Drama series, where everything was happening in slow motion. I never thought such a Drama scenario would happen to my family. My mind was blank for a very long while, all I remember is that I can’t stop myself from crying; it was by far the hardest thing that had happened to me! I was unable to do any thinking, and could only follow what the other elder tells me to do.

The only thing that I was very clear is that I am now the only child left in the family. I must not show my sorrow in front of my parents, I need to take care of them. So I need to hide my tears, they are only to be seen when I am alone. The morning after Danny was found, I woke up finding tears were already rolling down on my cheeks. I was not sure if I was crying in my sleep or was it just too painful that tears didn’t stop throughout the rights. The lost of my brother was the hardest thing that I ever had to accept.

Right after my whole family had escorted Danny’s ashes back to Taiwan, I had resume work directly after his funeral. I thought I had adjusted and accepted the reality. It was much later that learned, the impact of burying that pain was unexpectedly powerful! There were numerous of times I had breakdown in tears and was caught in the midst of sorrow, where I couldn’t find my way out. The first year after the accident took place, only I know how unhappy I really was! When I walk in Taipei city, passing the sneaker shop were I have bought a pair for Danny, I remember how happy he was that day! It was the first time that both of us bought the same pair of shoes. He got his in blue and mine was in orange. That pair of sneaker had a very special meaning to us, because it was the first gift that I have bought for my brother after my first job in Taiwan. It was my way of showing my brother how much I had cared for him.

There was a Japanese restaurant which Danny liked, I had promised Danny I would take him out and treat him to a big feast next time he visit me in Taiwan! But up until today I still haven’t visit that restaurant, because the person that I want to go with is no longer here. Now whenever I return to my apartment, I think of the very last time Danny had visited me. We had slept together on the double bed every night during his stay; we often talked throughout the nights. There was one night that my stomach didn’t feel well; I was in a lot of pain lying on my bed resting. It had terrified Danny very much, he had wanted me to give him the direction to the nearest hospital, so he would know where to take me if needed. This was how Danny is, always so sweet and considerate, always taking care of others. Danny and I both like Japan very much. We were planning to have a family vacation after his graduation that year. But it was too late, as he has made an early step retuning to heaven.

Danny has been a super softhearted person. Each time when he and I got into an argument, he would always be the one to apologize first. However, I would always give him a hard time. Now, thinking back to those old time, I truly regret what I had done to him. Ever since Danny left us, whenever I see a pair of brother and sister now it would makes me thinks of Danny, and my heart would ache for knowing Danny will never be here to fight or to laugh with me anymore. When we used to fight at home, my mom would always say to us, “ You and your brother are the closest person to each other. You two should appreciate the time that you have got together.” My mom was so right about it…but it is too late now…all these regret will not bring Danny back to us.
(To be continued)