道不盡的思念 Endless Thoughts （Part 1）

編按:本文為凱鴻之母親寫於凱鴻歸空三週年紀念日，中文稿已刊登於上期（217期），歡迎讀者前賢參閱，今特刊登英文版以服務廣大英文讀者群。


母子心心相印

Heart to heart

My dearest baby....you have taken all my love and the care that mommy has for you in the past twenty-three years. You and I certainly have shared an extraordinary karma. Perhaps it was because we used to listen to Buddha’s scripture preaching or studied Buddhism together in our previous life, so it has caused and created the mother-son karma that we have had in this life. Memories of you are like spider webs that have wrapped up my heart, stirring up heartbreaking ripples one after another. Tears are like an endless rain, rolling down my cheeks each time when I think of you?When we left Taiwan originally, you were only nine years old, just finished the first year of your primary school. After immigrated to South Africa, Saturdays became your routine Chinese class time. Your study material was the Jing Si Aphorisms by Master Cheng Yen (Tzu Chi Foundation). Mommy has always been extra concern in selecting the most suitable material for you. Once the material is decided, I would then look up the phonetic notation, the radical and sentence examples in the dictionary for you. So that I could teach you the Chinese character stroke by stroke. After fourteen years of learning, you have achieved excellence in Chinese reading, writing, speaking and even typing. Your outstanding performance had made mommy so proud! Especially your love for reciting Chinese poems had surprised us all. Moreover, even though you have not studied Chinese history before but your knowledge of San-Guo-Yan-Yi (Chinese historical novel) was far better than mine. You have also find the joy of reading in Chinese comics. The comic books have not only motivated you to learn Chinese, it had also brought out your talent in art. Normally, Chinese parents are strongly against letting their children reading comics. But mommy fully support this way of learning, I had the pleasure of carrying those comics all the way from Taiwan through out those 14 years for you. Your private collection of three hundred comic books was something that was envy by most of your friends.

Under such extraordinary karma, you and I were able to build up a very close and mutual understanding relationship. Our intimate talks have a wide variety of topics, which included the topic that most Chinese parents would avoid ?The relationship between two genders? Your friends were amazed about it and had asked once, ?How come my mom never talks about this with me??You had answer proudly, ?No problem, you can always talk to my mom!?So many parents has problem with their children, they had asked me once ?Did Danny had a rebellion period??I replied, ?Of cause he had! But do you know how much love I have used to soften his heart? For example, the orange juice that he drinks, would always be freshly made by me; the watermelon that he eats, I would pick out the seeds first, then cut them into cubs for him; as for grapes, I would peel off the skin and pick out the seeds before he eats them; the apples would be cut into cubs and top with yogurt; sushi and grill dishes are always made according to his special taste...etc.?Danny had said once, ?Mommy, you are so nice to me. I want to be your son again in the next life... I answered, ?My son, whatever obligation that I still owe you, let us clear it in this life. Because, don’ t we all want to return to heaven one day??(In our religion, it is our ultimate aim to return to heaven for good and not to fall into transmigration again)

未完成的約定

The Unfulfilled Agreement

Danny, do you know each time when I have meal by myself now, tears would welled up my eyes and my heart would hurt as if knife is piercing it? It has been three years now since you have left, but my deepest pain still cannot be healed. My heart bleeds, anguished with cry, ?Danny! Danny! Danny! Where are you now? How could you leave mommy behind like this??I remember you used to ask me, ?Mommy, am I here to repay you the kindness or am I here to reclaim the obligation that others owes me??I answered, ?I do certainly hope that you are here to repay the kindness in this life. Otherwise, whom would I rely on when I get old??However, when you were five years old, a fortuneteller had predicted that your dad and I would rely on your sister and not you when we get old. Could it really be possible that our lives are predetermined?

The oven in our house is now sealed, because it makes me think of the happy baking times we had in the kitchen. When we were making moon-cakes, you would help with a dough cutter so to cut out the right shape; when we were baking cakes, you would help to whip the eggs; when you were making Chinese egg-rolls, I would help mixing the ingredients for you; when your sister was making Chinese desert, you always eat faster than the speed of deserts being made; your fort special baked-cheese dishes, have always made people ask for more? thinking up until here, I can not hold my tears any longer and my heart is close to breaking into pieces! One would only know how much you love, with the pain you felt deep inside. I dislike any celebrations now, such as birthdays or Mother’s Day. I am scared of any silent moment that I am alone, it would only makes me think of you more!

You and I had made an agreement to visit Japan in the year of 2004, as a celebration of your graduation from University. We agreed that we would wait for your sister to come home, so to take a new family photo, which we have waited for so long. You even had plans to study further overseas, and have made a promised that once you start earning money, you would want to treat me with first class flight? I have not forgotten our agreements but it wouldn’t be fulfilled anymore!

Now, whenever I lie on the sofa sleeping, you wouldn’t be there to put a blanket over me like you always would. There is no one for me to discuss the Da-Ai Drama series that we both love, and there is no one besides me while I am making Chinese handcraft! The last birthday card that you bought me, you have paid it off with the tutoring fees that you just earned. It says on the card, ?Dear mommy, I am truly grateful for everything that you have done for me 孖How sweet of you to say that! You were like a seed that I have planted with love. I was so proud seeing you have grown and became so strong.
The local South African people and the Tao society have loved you for being energetic about life. But you took everyone by surprise, left without any notice, leaving us only your unforgettable smile behind. These thoughts break my heart and tears were pouring uncontrollably. My blood pressure had even gone up to 199 mmHg for days (the normal systolic pressure should be under 130mmHg). I have wondered, why it was not me the one that had to go? Why? Why? So many times in those cold raining evening, I had pleaded God to take me too. Sadly it is not my time to go yet, and I had doubt how would I be able to move on?

道青中的佼佼者

An aristocrat of Youth Tao Member

I recalled the time that you attended the Buddha’s Light religious camp. When you came back from the camp, you were so eager to share everything that you have learnt with your sister and I. We have talked till dawn and enjoyed every moment being together, those were our valuable times! I could still remember the past vividly in my head, as if it has just happened yesterday?Once, you had participated in the Tzu Chi religious camp and had visited an orphanage home. The love that was stirred up in that activity has extended till you got home. Each time when you came back from a religious camp, you couldn’t wait to share all the treasures that you have found with us. You have said to be before,?Mommy, I am so fortunate!?You have applied the Jing Si Aphorisms that you have learnt and verify it with what you have come across in your life, so to make your own personal record of it. There was a year, that both Tzu Chi and Buddha’s Light Association coincidentally had planned their camp on the same day. Later, over a dinner that the representatives from Tzu Chi, Buddha’s Light, I-Kuan-Tao and other Chinese Associations were at, mommy had pointed out the overlapping dates of these two camp to them. At the end of the dinner that night, the representatives have agreed to readjust the date, so that youngsters would have the opportunity to attend both camps. You were overjoyed when I break the news to you. One of your friends said to you, 浢y mom wouldn’t let me attend any of these camp, let along she would never have tried for my sake to fight for more opportunity孖

In the South Africa I-Kuan Tao Youth Association, you were the PR personnel and the master of ceremony for Tao events. Moreover, you were translator for Transmit teachers and lecturers. If you were to give your own Tao lectures, you would do everything in your power to make sure the lecture is interesting for the Tao members, so as to encourage them to cultivate further. Time has always passed with happiness in your lectures. Tao members always leave your lecture with a pleasant heart, and they would look forward to the next inspiring Tao gathering.

The Tao seminar that was held in year 2000, Chi-Kung Buddha had given a holy revelation during the seminar (channeling through a media). Chi-Kung Buddha gave you an opportunity to explain the meaning of the song that he had made for the local South African Tao members. You did a magnificent job that day. Many Tao members complimented on your confidence and competence that you had at such young age, you truly stand out to be an aristocrat of Youth Tao member. You are an elite of the South Africa Tao preaching pioneer team, one of the Chi-Kung Buddha’s favorite disciples too. You had assisted in creating a beam of light, making the future brighter and full of hopes for the South Africa Tao society！

（To be continued）